Show Down to Listen

Slow-Moving Moments #3

I admit that I am not a good listener! I would rather talk than listen. I think most people are that way. We talk much more than we listen. And, we like to talk about ourselves. Oswald Chambers, author of My Utmost For His Highest, said, "The majority of us cannot hear anything but ourselves."

As the Greek philosopher, Epictetus, said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Listening is important, but it is hard! Attentive listening is even harder. Deep listening does not come natural for most of us. We normally listen at a superficial level - only hearing enough to respond with what we want to say. Why is listening so hard? The priest, professor, and writer, Henri Nouwen, says in his book Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith…

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, welcome, to accept.

True, deep, attentive listening requires that “we no longer need to prove ourselves.” We do not have to prove we are interesting or smart. We do not “need to make our presence known.” Good listeners are secure in who they are. They are secure enough to have the freedom “to receive, welcome, and accept” without judging or adding their own thoughts. They do not have to be validated by what they say. That is because they slow down enough to attend.

Attentive listeners do not “run ahead” in their listening - imagining what those they listen to are going to say next. They do not assume what the issue or problem is, because there may not be one. They do not fill in the blanks, but ask for clarification if they do not understand. Then they stay silent while the person continues. They do not give advice unless asked for. They just listen!

But we mostly want to give advice. Or share a story that is similar. Or change the subject to something we want to talk about. But listening is attending to the other person. It lets them move into the spaces where they want to go.

However, we have a problem. The neurons in our brain can fire 200 times per second, which means that we can process someone speaking that quickly. But the mechanics of the human mouth allow a person to speak only about 125 words each minute. This creates a listening deficit that we often search for ways to fill by thinking of other things. To offset this problem we must practice slow-moving moments. How do we do that? The Apostle James gives us excellent advice when he says…

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (James 1:19 NLT)

Practicing slow-moving moments in listening actually involves being quick to listen., but slow to speak. It involves quickly attending to what the other person is saying while putting what we want to say “on the back burner.” It involves squelching our selfishness and the putting the other person first. It involves slowing down, even stopping, our desire to be known and seek to know the other person.

When Jesus was teaching his disciples about greatness, he turned the common thought of the day upside-down. He turned our concept of greatness upside-down.

It must not be like that among you. On the contrary, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant. (Matthew 20:26 CSB)

How do we accomplish slow-moving moments of truly listening to others? We see ourselves as their servant. We see the conversation as an opportunity to serve them by truly listening. We attend to their words, no matter how slow or boring they may seem. In order to do this we must slow our pace. we must be willing to let our conversations unfold like a flower - attending to the beauty if each speech petal as it is shared. We must observe each pause, each facial expression, each tonal nuance as something beautiful that is being shared with us. When we actually do this we will discover the person behind the words. We will hear their hursts and hopes. It will be like curtain pulled back revealing their heart and soul. We will move into their world and forget about ours for the moment.

However, knowing and doing are too different things. I cognitively know everything I have just written. I’ve known it for a long time. But just like all the teachings of our Lord, I am still trying to live out what I already know. My pride, my insecurities, my desire to be heard cause me to want my presence known - to prove myself by talking instead of listening!

My prayer is that the Lord will to continue to guide and empower me to step into true slow-moving moments of listening - to be a servant to those who speak to me. I want to see each conversation as serving and ministering to the person speaking to me. My hope is that this becomes your prayer as well. As we attend and serve others through listening, may the love of God surround us, the wisdom of Christ guide us , and the power of the Holy Spirit encourage us.